Just Me

Hey Everybody, Just me here. Im off work until friday and just thought I'd spend a little time blogging. Im rather bored to tell you the truth. A bit down in the dumps to be honest.let me tell you a bit about myself. I grew up in a home full of chaos. I was the baby of 6 children born to my parents. Although I have found peace in my heart towards my mom, she and I never had a close relationship. She was always telling me I was a mistake. there was constant batteling in our household, fury comes to mind. Although I missed a lot of the real bad stuff, my sister filled me in on much.My dad had a bad temper and Mom knew all the buttons to push.He at one time was very abusive to her. When I was growing up it was more just the abusive language, hateful words spoken. They had a love /hate relationship. I did suffer some of the physical abuse. Some of that was from my father when I was too small to remember, my sister filled me in. She, my sister, was 8 years older than me. When she would get home from school I would be soak and wet and crying my eyes out in my baby bed.I was in a baby bed until I was about 3. My father had worked all night, mom was gone(working), dad was trying to sleep and I was an unhappy camper , keeping him awake. My sister would sometimes come in and he was spanking me for crying. Maybe if he had changed me, cuddled me and gave me what I needed, he could have gotten some rest.My sister would then take over with me and keep me safe. Mom was gone a lot, doing her real estate thing, but when she was home it wasn't much better. She didn't want me to begin with. My sister was my lifeline. She taught me love . She took me everywhere she went, even on dates. as my father aged, he cooled his heels a bit and we became close. Mom did not care for our relationship. She was always jealous of her girls. she pushed us away. I am skipping a lot of things along the way. I had some relief through a couple of neighbors who took to me. A couple who lived next door. She would give me money to go buy a shake at the iceream place up the street. They also took me on many family outings with them. Again I learned a lesson in love, also compassion. I then was taken to a babysitter, a friend of the family named Marge. I loved her dearly. She was normal, unlike my mother. She hugged me, made me my lunch and strawberry Nestles Quick, knowing I didn't like white milk. We would always say a prayer before eating. She was a very good catholic lady. Later on in years she would remind me of how we would watch Miss America together. She had a little saying she would say to me all the time, it was," Bozo Butts drives me nuts." Then she would laugh and give me a big hug.She was a real blessing in my life. As the years went on things just kept getting worse between my mom and I. I had a brother 10 yrs. older than myself. My brother had cerebreal palsy. He and mom were inseperable. He was a lucky one, he could speak reasonably well and could be understood if you listened well. he walked with a limp. He did everything in his power to make my life miserable and he did. I was always getting in trouble for things I didn't do. Then there came a point that I just didn't care anymore. I would make fun of him to just really piss him off. I was getting in trouble for it anyway so why not enjoy myself in the process. He would go to mom, once again, I would hear the speech, get the punishment, yadda, yadda. There were a lot of times when there would be team matches. My dad and I against Mom and my brother. Mom usually won out after all the yelling. Then one day my life really changed, I was raped. I held it in, didn't tell anyone, it was a date rape, I was 15 and a virgin at the time. Then again, still at the age of 15, it happened again. I went to a public pool with a girl I had just met in the neighborhood. I wasn't really liking her. She decided to leave and I stayed. There were three girls that came over and started talking to me. Not having a lot of self confidence at the time, not feeling I was even that pretty, I was shocked they wanted to talk to me and have me be a part of their little group. Then they asked me to go riding around with them and two boys. I went, unfortunately. The boys started huffing glue out of bags. I was feeling ill and wanted out of the car. I started crying and begging them to let me out. It wasn't going to happen as far as the driver was concerned. He drove the car to a place by the river where there were abandoned houses built up on stilts ( due to floods I assume). He got out of the car and with a knife, dragged me out of the car. The other girls looked scared, yet didn't move. He drug into one of those houses which was empty, pushed me down and raped me with that knife at my throat.The other boy came in at that point and tryed to stop him. He was threatend and left. After the rape he led me back to the car, drove me back to the city and dropped me off. I walked home crying and desheveled. I Never told anyone about this until I was around 30 yrs. old and then told my sister. I recently read a book about rape and the after effects. The book was right on the money. I was one who just lost all hope. I didn't care anymore. I just felt lost, unloved ( except for my sister), I really didn't like myself. I became wild. I was looking for love in all the wrong faces and all the wrong places. I met some real losers, tried a few things to get high ( thank you God that I didn't care for it), I just kept messing up. Then one day I found I was pregnant. Whew, I wasn't ready for that, far from it. I was just a confused screwed up child. I was 16 at that time. I turned 17 a month after my son was born. My son is now 38, soon to be 39. Yes I did keep my son. There are times when I think he would have been better off if I had adopted him out. It was a struggle, many hard times. We now have a very good relationship. He brings so much humor into my life. I love him dearly. I am skipping so much.... I married when I was just 17, no, not to my sons father. We, (the one I married) had two more sons and then were divorced 5 yrs. later when my youngest was only about 17 months old. Whew! I will need to continue this later. I don't even know why I am writing all of this. I guess I just needed to. I feel better. I am not shy about sharing these things. I think it is healthy.